It's not about me. YOU always have and always will be ETERNALLY FAITHFUL!!!

This morning, the message was soo great. I can't wait til the sermon is posted online to listen to it again. (link for Crossroads is on the page, you can listen too) Anyway, it was a hugely great wake up call saying, this whole life thing, this whole Christian thing- it has NOTHING to do with you. Our hearts are more deceitful than we can comprehend. We are all one decision away from throwing it all away... we will fail. I will fail. This is hard to accept. But it is an amazing paradox, knowing that God has entered into a covenant with us and He will not only hold up His end of the deal but mine too, when I can't. He LOVES me. God's faithful, unconditional love is self-sacrificing. And like yes, I know that Jesus died for me and that He loves me and that He is not like there but really truly, completely unselfishly loves. I cannot love like this, only through Him could I dream to begin loving like this. Anyway, this paradox- basically it is comforting to know that this life that I am trying to live has absolutely nothing to do with me, because He has paid it all and it is ALL ABOUT HIM. This from our typical perspective says, this hurt my ego, it means I am unimportant, and about a million other crazy thoughts like that... but when it is not about me, I don't have to be worth it or earn His favor, or be popular or pretty or have a job or be dating or be perfect- the pressure is not there, and I can rest secure in my Saviour knowing that I am loved and I can strive to be the best through His strength and love with His love, because I am loved. Not to earn any merit or work my way into heaven or on the "nice list" - yesterday I watched Santa Claus 3 with Brenda, Rosie, and Vannah, so that is totally the analogy in my mind-
Lately, I have not felt worth what i should be. I have never struggled with this before, I guess I should have known it was coming at some point, but today has been a huge lesson :)
I want to reconcile with Christ. I have been running, maybe not completely to my knowledge, but I have been running from the Word. Why? because it's boring, no, because I like to get caught up in me and say i'm busy, probably because I am scared of the change if i completely -surrender- This past summer I spent more time than ever before in the Word and learned of its priceless value. I want to view it as a constant need once again. I will keep things posted on how I am doing at spending, and waiting expectantly to spend time with Christ reading the Holy HOLY WORD OF GOD.
hmm well guess I should go read, stop blabbin. And get to sleep. So happy to sleep tonight!!!
and soo stinkin excited to go home in 2 days for Thanksgiving break. I haven't seen Mark in for-stinkin-ever! and it will be good to see Erica, Natalie (the rest of the Grace crew), and friends that are still in YG too! hmm venting on here is good, i like it. Goodnight world.